A Different Kind of Job Woe

It’s been a little over a month and a half since I lost my job. Since then, I’ve had two in-person interviews (I was not offered either job, at least as of yet) and this morning, I had a phone interview with another company. Considering that my layoff happened during pretty much the worst time of year for finding a job, I’m pretty proud of myself for making some headway.

A lot of people have asked me if I’m bored yet. With my trip to Florida,

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Thanksgiving in Charleston,

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a trip to Asheville,

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Christmas in Seneca,

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and my mom coming to Atlanta tomorrow (all of which were planned before I lost my job), the answer is no. No, I’m not bored and for some reason, I feel guilty about that. It’s not necessarily that I feel like I should be bored, it’s more like guilt from enjoying not working.

I guess it has to do partially with the idea that you are defined by, at least to some degree, what you do for a living. Right now, I don’t do anything. I went from having what people thought was a super cool job (even though I wasn’t happy there) to baking banana bread, going to the gym and cleaning the house (which somehow is still dirty) all day. It’s not that I feel like I’m a failure because of it. I know that my job performance had absolutely nothing to do with being laid off and that I am a good worker. It’s more that I feel like if I’m enjoying what’s essentially almost two months of laid back weekend days (with less going out), it means that I’m not trying hard enough to find a job or that I’m being lazy about it.

Though others may disagree, I’m not a lazy person. I require more sleep than other people, that’s true, but tired is not the same as lazy. I have hobbies, I push myself physically and I create opportunities for myself, both professionally and personally. But for some reason, it makes me incredibly nervous to admit that I like doing nothing, that I am enjoying it. It’s like I fight those feelings or feel bad about having them. Financially, I really want to find a job and obviously I want to find one that I enjoy and can thrive doing, but if you take the financial aspect out of it, staying home all day is kind of nice.

I know that come the new year, I will find a new job and hopefully, I will like it more than the one that I left. And when I am setting my alarm again and not worrying so much about money, I will look back on the however many months that I was unemployed (hopefully it’s just two) and wish that I’d let myself enjoy them a little more.

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