Loss

Well, here’s a post that I didn’t want to ever write.  Writing is therapeutic for me, however, and not writing about it but continuing to write about things like kale (though I just ate some) and hummus just seemed wrong.  My blog is very personal and this is a personal thing that happened to me.

I was about 9 weeks pregnant.  Until I wasn’t.

We found out in mid-October after trying for about 4-5 months.  We had the typical first time pregnancy feelings, I guess.  Excitement, nervousness, anticipation.  We told our parents right away.  We told some of our friends (suddenly drinking club soda when everyone knows I always have white wine is a little bit of a giveaway).  I’m not sure when I started to worry, whether it was right away or not.  I have anxiety issues in general, so when I began to really start to worry that something was wrong, I chalked it up to that.  And maybe it was just my typical anxiety, who knows?

I didn’t have any symptoms.  Well, except for the missed period.  Nothing.  People told me that I was lucky, but part of me really wished I was hunched over the toilet puking because it meant something.  I was more tired than usual and running felt harder, so eventually I just thought what other people said, I was lucky.  When we went in for the first ultrasound, I thought I was around 8 and a half weeks.  The baby measured just under 7.  It had a heartbeat, however, so when they told me that my dates were off, I thought maybe they were, though part of me knew that the math just didn’t compute.

Because of the baby measuring small and because I had something called a subchorionic hemorrhage (blood near the sac, but usually ends up being okay and not threatening), they wanted me to come back in two weeks instead of the normal four.  My appointment was scheduled for this upcoming Thursday.  On Saturday, I started to spot.  It was light and lots of things that I read said that it could possibly from the subchorionic hemorrhage expelling.  But on Sunday, it got heavier and redder and by today, it felt and looked a period.

I didn’t have cramping, so I was still somewhat cautiously optimistic that things could be okay.  I called the doctor and told them that though my appointment was on Thursday, I needed to come in today.  Jason went with me and the way my doctor is, you get the ultrasound first.  Last time when I had one, the first thing the technician said was, “there’s the heartbeat” and told us what it was.  This time, she just started clicking things on the screen.   I think I knew at this point but I asked.  And she said in a very quiet voice, “I am not able to detect a heartbeat.”

And that’s what happened.  I have to get the D&C tomorrow.  The doctor said that it was likely due to a chromosomal abnormality.  I know this happens to lots of people.  It doesn’t make it hurt or suck less.

Sometimes I feel okay and other times I cry.  I have a secret baby pinboard on Pinterest (you can do secret boards now).  I ordered a pair of maternity jeans because The Gap was having a good sale on Friday.  I am subscribed to a bunch of baby emails.  This is what you get when you change your settings on Baby Center.

Screen shot 2012 11 26 at 7 40 59 PM

That made me cry.

I’ll be okay.  It just sucks right now.  I know these things happen, but they weren’t supposed to happen to me.  I guess everyone feels like that.  You can bet your ass that I’m having a big-ass glass of wine tomorrow (I can’t have one tonight before the procedure – I asked) and some RAW sushi.

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