Well, here’s a post that I didn’t want to ever write.  Writing is therapeutic for me, however, and not writing about it but continuing to write about things like kale (though I just ate some) and hummus just seemed wrong.  My blog is very personal and this is a personal thing that happened to me.

I was about 9 weeks pregnant.  Until I wasn’t.

We found out in mid-October after trying for about 4-5 months.  We had the typical first time pregnancy feelings, I guess.  Excitement, nervousness, anticipation.  We told our parents right away.  We told some of our friends (suddenly drinking club soda when everyone knows I always have white wine is a little bit of a giveaway).  I’m not sure when I started to worry, whether it was right away or not.  I have anxiety issues in general, so when I began to really start to worry that something was wrong, I chalked it up to that.  And maybe it was just my typical anxiety, who knows?

I didn’t have any symptoms.  Well, except for the missed period.  Nothing.  People told me that I was lucky, but part of me really wished I was hunched over the toilet puking because it meant something.  I was more tired than usual and running felt harder, so eventually I just thought what other people said, I was lucky.  When we went in for the first ultrasound, I thought I was around 8 and a half weeks.  The baby measured just under 7.  It had a heartbeat, however, so when they told me that my dates were off, I thought maybe they were, though part of me knew that the math just didn’t compute.

Because of the baby measuring small and because I had something called a subchorionic hemorrhage (blood near the sac, but usually ends up being okay and not threatening), they wanted me to come back in two weeks instead of the normal four.  My appointment was scheduled for this upcoming Thursday.  On Saturday, I started to spot.  It was light and lots of things that I read said that it could possibly from the subchorionic hemorrhage expelling.  But on Sunday, it got heavier and redder and by today, it felt and looked a period.

I didn’t have cramping, so I was still somewhat cautiously optimistic that things could be okay.  I called the doctor and told them that though my appointment was on Thursday, I needed to come in today.  Jason went with me and the way my doctor is, you get the ultrasound first.  Last time when I had one, the first thing the technician said was, “there’s the heartbeat” and told us what it was.  This time, she just started clicking things on the screen.   I think I knew at this point but I asked.  And she said in a very quiet voice, “I am not able to detect a heartbeat.”

And that’s what happened.  I have to get the D&C tomorrow.  The doctor said that it was likely due to a chromosomal abnormality.  I know this happens to lots of people.  It doesn’t make it hurt or suck less.

Sometimes I feel okay and other times I cry.  I have a secret baby pinboard on Pinterest (you can do secret boards now).  I ordered a pair of maternity jeans because The Gap was having a good sale on Friday.  I am subscribed to a bunch of baby emails.  This is what you get when you change your settings on Baby Center.

Screen shot 2012 11 26 at 7 40 59 PM

That made me cry.

I’ll be okay.  It just sucks right now.  I know these things happen, but they weren’t supposed to happen to me.  I guess everyone feels like that.  You can bet your ass that I’m having a big-ass glass of wine tomorrow (I can’t have one tonight before the procedure – I asked) and some RAW sushi.

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47 Responses to Loss

  1. I am so, so sorry Lee. I won’t pretend to know the right things to say, but I want to offer my love and support to you.

  2. Oh Lee, I am so incredibly sorry. I know there’s no words that will make things an more okay, but just know you are SO in my prayers and thoughts.

    Love to you & yours.

  3. Oh, Lee… I am so so sorry to hear this. I’m thinking of you both. You let me know if you need any company for that wine. Lots of love.

  4. Oh so so sorry! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. I’m so incredibly sorry Lee :( My heart goes out to you and Jason. Many thoughts, prayers, and hugs being sent your way – especially for tomorrow.

  6. Sending lots of love your way!

  7. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since you told me earlier. I hope you are staying strong, and know that I’m always here if you need anything.

  8. Lee, I’m so sorry for your loss and the sadness that you might be feeling. I’m thinking of you!

  9. *hugs* no great wisdom here, other than allowing yourself to grieve the loss of a wanted future. *more hugs*

    • This is exactly what I am feeling – the loss of a wanted future. I did not particularly feel any sort of connection to the baby yet, so I don’t really feel like I lost a child or anything, but I had all these hopes and dreams for where the future was headed and they have been put on hold for now and that is hard.

  10. I am so, so sorry for you loss. Not much else I can say but that. So sorry for you and Jason.

  11. Oh, Lee. I’m so sorry.

    And, here’s my only advice. Grieve. Talk about this with Jason. Grieve together. I’ve walked in your shoes right now, and can only offer a (hug) because nothing I can say will make this better right now.

  12. I wish there was something comforting to say but having watched several friends go through this, I know there isn’t. My thoughts are with you, and I hope that you are able to find peace.

  13. Oh, Lee. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of positive thoughts to you and Jason…

  14. You are so brave for sharing and shared with so much grace. I hope the sharing has helped to bring you the peace that you seek. Know that your sharing has touched my heart. Many, many women choose to hide under the duvet when faced with this type of adversity. Bravo to you for bringing it out into the open. Be strong. All will work out for the best in due time.
    Warm regards from a chickie in Smyrna who digs your blog and thinks you are incredibly courageous!

  15. You know how sorry I am for this to have happened. I’m here for you however you may need, whenever you may need.

  16. Oh my gosh, I am so so sorry Lee. I have been remiss in commenting lately, but know that I have been reading and this one made me absolutely stop and want to comment right away, as soon as I saw it. I am so very sorry. Sending you strength and a virtual hug. XOXO.

  17. I am so sorry. I have been through this and saying “the right thing” isn’t possible. Be kind to yourself and let yourself greive. It happens to so many women (that doesn’t make it easier) and you will get pregnant again quickly. My thoughts are with you during this terrible time :-(.

  18. Lee, I’m so sorry. It isn’t fair. My thoughts are with you. :(

  19. I’m so very sorry for you and your husband. I got a little teary eyed reading this. You shared this in a brave and honest way and I respect/appreciate that. My thoughts are with you right now.

  20. Lee, I am so incredibly sorry. Many thoughts and prayers are with you and Jason. I wish I could give you a big hug. I’m so sorry.

  21. I am so sorry Lee, this breaks my heart. I know there’s nothing I can type here that helps, but know that I’m thinking about you and praying for you.

  22. Oh Lee, I’m so sorry to hear this. I wish I knew the right words to say to help you feel better…time will heal. I’m sending you all my love and hope, for another chance in the future.

  23. Lee, I’m very sorry to hear of your loss as well. Best wishes and lots of hugs.

  24. I’m so sorry Lee. You and Jason are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of love your way. <3

  25. Oh Lee, I so feel your pain. I am incredibly sorry for you and Jason. If you need anything, I’m here! I’m emailing you now!

  26. I am so sorry for your loss! Know that you are not alone and to reach out whenever needed. Take the time you need after the surgery and cope. Maybe you and Jason can make a day trip or a weekend to memorialize your baby and morn together. Best wishes and lots of love!

  27. I’m just now reading this Lee, and I’m so sorry to hear it. I know exactly what you mean when you say this kind of stuff happens to other people, not you. I’m sorry it was you this time. You’ll get your turn at happiness, but for now however you feel is exactly the right way for you to feel.

  28. I am so, so, so sorry that this has happened to you, Lee. I really don’t know what to say, other than I am sending positive and healing thoughts your way. Hugs.

  29. Kristen @ The Concrete Runner

    Lee, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine how hard that is and how you are feeling. I will be praying for you and hope that there will be a little one in your near future.

    (Side note: I had a subchorionic hemorrhage with MacKenna. My ob also warned me about spotting, etc. I totally forgot about it until you said that.)

    • I think that I first did start spotting from the hemorrhage because it was light and when they did the second ultrasound, they said it (the hemorrhage) was gone. Unfortunately, the spotting turned into bleeding and I think that was from the miscarriage beginning. Kind of a weird coincidence.

  30. I’m so sorry, friend. I’m thinking about you.

  31. Lee, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Dealing with miscarriage is such a hard thing to go through. It takes time to grieve. Just remember that you’re not alone. That really helped me! Three weeks ago I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and had to have emergency surgery to remove the baby and one of my tubes. Even though my body is healed, my mind is certainly not there yet. I wrote about it here — if you feel like my story could in any way help you. http://lifewithacrazypup.com/2012/11/07/a-healing-story/

    I’m thinking of you and wishing you to find peace at the end of this dark tunnel.

  32. I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I had my own difficulties getting pregnant (2 + years, 1 surgery and three specialists), but I never had to deal with the pain of a miscarriage and I cannot begin to imagine how you feel. Please know I’m thinking about you, especially over these next few days.

  33. Oh Lee. I am so, so sorry for you. Thinking of you and Jason during this difficult time.

  34. Nooooo Lee, this was so sad to read. I’m SO SO sorry for your loss. Wish there was something I could do. You and Jason are in our thoughts. Lots of love to you guys in this tough time.

  35. Lee, I am so, so very sorry ! I have also been though it, and I know just how disappointing and heart wrenchingly sad it is. Hang in there, the pain does get less with a little time. Sending prayers your way!

  36. oh my gosh lee, i just saw this. i am so, SO sorry. i can only somewhat imagine the pain you are going through. i will be thinking of you.

    the tiny (TINY) silver lining is that you got pregnant in 4-5 months — that is amazing and so encouraging that you will be pregnant again soon. sending love.

  37. i am so sorry, lee!! i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. i know quite a few people who have gone through this – many of them say it helps to talk about it. i know you are a strong person. i wish you the best – *hugs*

  38. My heart is with you. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  39. Lee, I am so very sorry to hear this. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling. I feel terrible that I am just now catching up and reading this too. Let me know if there is anything at all I can do. I hope you and Jason are enjoying your vacation this weekend. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

  40. I’m so very sorry Lee. A million hugs!

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